Appleseed Ex Machina: probably the BEST movie NOT in theaters.

Two days ago I watched this movie, Appleseed Ex Machina. Directed by Shinji Arakmaki and produced by John Woo, it has all the ingredients of a great action flick: robots, guns, chicks. Did I mention it's all animated?
Probably the BEST anime out right now, Appleseed is a long running story that started back in the 80s. I've seen all the movies, there's 3 of them, from the old fuzzy VHS days up to this incredibly animated film. Do not hesitate. Do not pass GO. Go directly to your local video shop and get this DVD.
Better yet, get it on Blu-ray, like I did.
4.5 out of 5 stars.

Here's a little video to whet your appetite:

Movie Review: Condemned

Where to start? Condemned is a WWE movie about a entertainment tycoon who decides to pay off third world prison wardens for their baddest fighters and decides to put them on an island to fight to the death and televise it online. It's the WWE to the extreme. Regular racial stereotypes develop and quickly you find out who to root for. WWE's Stone Cold Steve Austin stars as the mysterious American who winds up in an Ecuadorian prison. Wrongly accused, of course.
Driven by greed, the producer of the show straps explosives to each convict's ankle. The story turns dark as they witness a beating, torture, and rape. Some people have second thoughts about putting on the show, others push the envelope and add weapons to the island by helicopter drop.
The climax puts Stone Cold against the bad man Vinny Jones in a finale that makes you go, "ho hum".
Typical WWE movie fare, good versus evil, star versus co-star, end of story. Craptactular! Turn off your brain before entering.
The Condemned
I give it a 2.5 out of 5.

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan and a Crap Load of Crap

This movie really doesn't even deserve a review, but I felt so stupid after the movie, I think my IQ dropped a couple hundred points.
I saw this movie the other day free online and it was basically crap. The one funny scene where Borat and his fat friend are all naked and wrestling and running around with a fisting dildo couldn't save the movie. I'm not even going to put a picture up. It sucks.
If you haven't seen it by now, unlike all the mindless American paying movie-goers out there, consider yourself lucky.
I give it 1 out of 5 stars.

Lady in the Water: It's a bedtime story!

Third Netflix film for the vacation time was Lady in the Water, M. Night Shyamalan's film of backyard fairy tale legends.
I know alot of you are totally set against anything that this dude puts out, because you think that his stories are just too weird or they suck. But I say, you have to give this movie a chance as it basically comes from a long running bedtime story that he made up for his kids. It doesn't have the crazy, major plot twists that his previous films like, The Village or Unbreakable, had.
It's all about a building manager, Cleavland, played by Paul Giamatti and a Narf, a sea nymph. He discovers that she is from the 'Blue World' and is here on a mission, but is pursued by the evil wolf-like Scrunt. The Narf's mission is to 'awaken' a 'vessel' (a person of importance) who will have great, lasting effects in the history of man.
The bottom line of the story is that everyone has a purpose in life, but we don't know exactly what that purpose is. Sometimes we go about our lives and never find out, and sometimes we discover our true purpose and are able to accomplish great things.
That's the theme of the story. It brings together a bunch of people in the apartment complex who discover their true purpose and in return are able to help this Narf find her way home.
It's not so bad.
I give it 3 1/2 stars out of 5.

Running Scared: A series of unfortunate events with guns, drugs, and the mob.

My second NetFlix movie over the holiday vacation was Running Scared, starring Paul Walker. Basically it's about a low level mob guy who takes possession of silver-plated, snub-nosed .38 pistol that was used to kill a cop. This gun almost serves as the center piece of the story, with all major plot events revolving around the gun, happening to the protagonist and his son and son's friend, played by Alex Neuberger and the always-creepy-looking Cameron Bright (I mean, the dude is CREEPY looking, right?).
It starts off with a drug deal gone bad, and an undercover cop getting shot with this gun. Joey (Paul Walker) winds up having to get rid of the gun, but instead hides it in his basement. Oleg (Cameron Bright) comes across it and takes it to shoot at his abusive father. Afterwards, Oleg runs away and hides with the gun.
From here on out, after Joey finds out that the dirty gun is missing, it's a wild search for the gun, with the police and mobsters breathing down Joey's neck.
Basically a series of unfortunate events involving a gun, some drugs, and the mob.
I was watching this movie and saying to myself, "What else can go wrong?" Because that's what exactly happens. You throw in some crack addicts, some hookers and a pimp, some Latino gangbangers, and some pedophiles; and you've got a nice mix for a crazy plot line. By the way, the word "fuck" and its variants are used 328 times in the film.
I give it 3 out of 5 stars.

Oldboy: this movie is MESSED up!

Well, my vacation time has allowed me to watch my first movie in my backed-up NetFlix queue, the Korean psychodrama, Oldboy.
It's a great thriller. It starts with an opening scene of the main character, Dae-Su, holding a man's tie as he precariously hangs over a side of a building. He's all standing still and dramatic and then he says something to the effect of, "Let me tell you my story". The movie is in Korean with English subtitles.
The story pretty much is about this guy, Dae-Su, who is suddenly locked up for some unknown reason and then, just as suddenly, is released 15 years later. The beginning part of the movie, you hear his inner dialog and what he's thinking as he tries to figure out the puzzle of who did this to him.
When he gets out, he's wearing a new suit, is given a wad-load of cash and meets some chic, Mi-Do in a sushi restaurant. The rest of the movie is basically how he figures out what happened to him and how he really wants to seek revenge on those who imprisoned him.
I can't give too much of the story away, but suffice to say that the ending is incredible, something that you weren't expecting.
It blew me away.
I give it 4 out of 5 stars.

District 13: More Than Just a Bunch of Guys Running Around

Well, I took a look at "District 13" yesterday and let me say if you haven't watched it yet, it's definitely worth it.
I mean, just take a look at the first 10 minutes. The unique opening credits (great editing) span the landscape of the area of France circa 2010 known as "Banileue 13" or "Barrio 13", it's in French after all; and lead into a prolonged parkour chase. Not only is it an action pack parkour tour-de-force, but also a political allegory. It posits the idea of a divided society in the future, of a France with barrios that through increasing crime rate and poverty, become lawless and are divided from the upperclass regions by high walls, checkpoints, and barbed wire.
It is in Barrio 13 that we find our protagonist Leito, played by the nimble parkour master, David Belle in conflict with the local gang run by Taha. Leito also has a sister, Lola, who is played by the former French porn star Dany Verissimo (her porn name is Ally Mac Tyana). Lola gets kidnapped and drugged up by Taha, setting in motion a series of events where Leito is thrown in jail by an ambivilant police chief and is later recruited by an undercover kick-ass (watch the casino scene) police officer, Damien, played by chop-socky French kung-fu man, Cyril Raffaelli. Together, they set off to free Lola and disarm a dirty bomb that Taha has "stolen".
The action is great and has been compared to Ong-Bak, which also featured a parkour-style chase. Obviously, this film was a promo-tool for parkour and it's star, Belle; who fit the part well. He is one of the main inventors of the French free-running parkour sport, and it helps that he is, as my fiance adeptly observed, "good looking". The acting was well done, considering the movie was in French with English subtitles so everyone seemed a bit tense throughout the film. Verissimo didn't play the "girl in distress" part well, though. She was more of eye-candy, if anything. In one scene, she removes her panties and places them in a mercenary's mouth. How's that for great film-making?
The political themes in the film reflect the modern day societal problems in France with real-life barrios, albeit without the physical walls. The psychological walls dividing the classes led to the well-publicized riots that occurred in France in 2005. So not only is the film entertaining, but you get to learn a little bit too.
I give it a 3 3/4 out of 5.