Open Letter to All Patients or Patients-To-Be

Listen, I've been working in a friggin' hospitals and out-patient clinics for over 7 years. When I come and ask you, "Hey, how ya doing? Where's your pain?"
Don't come back with an answer by touching me somewhere on my body to indicate where "your" pain is. My back is friggin' ok. It's your friggin' back I'm asking about.
Let's make this all easier on both of us, by not indicating "extracorporeal" pain. If that were the case, one phone call from me and then you get sent to the 19th floor, maybe the asian psyche ward.
Everybody got that?
Don't touch me. Keep your pain to your body.

Just today, this guy was all, like, touching my spine and saying, "here and here" and sh*t.
So I go, "My friggin' back is a little sore, yeah, touch it right there. That feels good, yeah, keep doing that."

Oh the stories I can tell.
This place is crazy.